Healing Resentment
As stepmoms we are so vulnerable to resentment….
Definition: Resentment is the persistent feeling that we're being treated unfairly—not getting due respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward. It keeps us locked in a devalued state, wherein it’s extremely difficult to improve or appreciate or to connect positively with people in general.
Resentment is a strange, complex emotion. It can sneak up on you and then linger and gnaw — for some constantly, forever, becoming the stuff of the unforgivable, unforgettable grudge. Other times it comes in waves—triggered by stress, perhaps, or someone's similar misdeed; it flares up, then dies down. It is driven by imbalance: If you do what you want to do because you want to do it, you don’t feel resentful. Resentment comes when this equation falls apart.
Here are some of the common sources:
You are trying to avoid conflict
Maybe you’re tired of talking to your partner about your different parenting styles. Maybe you are tired of arguing about the ex. Maybe you don’t want to be the “bad guy” to your step-kids. Perhaps you feel unsafe sharing what you’re feeling; it will just lead to an argument. Whatever it is, you’re shoving down how you really feel in an effort to “keep the peace” and it’s eating at you.
You are confusing shoulds with wants
You’re going to the pick-ups and drop-offs because you feel you should be there. You’re doing all the cooking, laundry and lunches because you feel that’s what you should be doing. You’re tucking the kids into bed, even when you really don’t want to - but you should want to, right?
You have expectations
The ex isn’t doing her part. You’re doing more. You wouldn’t handle it that way. Your partner isn’t calling the ex out. The kids are acting out. Why isn’t anyone doing anything? Why are you doing it all?
You are disconnected from your life
You haven’t spoken to your friends in months; they wouldn’t understand anyways. You aren’t working out like you used to. You haven’t painted since you’ve been with your partner. You don’t feel like “you” anymore and you don’t even know how to find her again.
Sound Familiar?
Your resentment is symptom, a red flag, a clue that there is something not working in your life. You need to address these underlying problems. It’s easy to feel it’s someone else’s doing - that it’s something that’s happening TO you, but you have so much more involvement and control than you think. This is a good thing. the resentment you’re carrying may be a "you" problem — you need to speak up, talk about your expectations, learn to confront the conflict, reconnect to your larger life. But usually there are relationship problems as well — that you need to be heard and not dismissed, that your needs and visions and wants need to be considered by those close to you. The key here is to avoid this all-or-nothing, be resentful-or-not thinking.
Instead of trying to control your resentment, step back and figure out what your resentment is telling you. Example: you may realize you need to speak up and not just go along with it; that you’re trying too hard to avoid conflict; that you feel constantly dismissed by your partner. If you have trouble figuring this out, talk to a close friend who you trust, or a therapist to help you find the underlying message, the how and why your life may no longer be working. Something you can do right now? Write about it.
Writing to Heal
Here is an exercise to help heal resentment.
Write down the resentment in detail. Tell the story without censoring yourself.
Second, consider how this resentment impacts you. Does it impact self-esteem, emotional security, relationships?
Third, look at how your attitudes, words, gestures, even your silence sends a message. Find your part in the resentment. Is it your expectations? Not speaking up to avoid conflict?
Next, focus on what's unfinished. You may need to work on your own leftover hurt in some way. Do you need to have a conversation with your partner? Step back and disengage? Commit to making time for yourself? Explore what you need to bring closure.
How to Communicate Resentment Effectively
Here's a simple format for communicating your resentment.
Name the behavior that's upsetting you.
Communicate your feelings and perspective (avoid trying to be right or arguing details).
Stick with one concern to avoid launching an attack.
Acknowledge your part to lessen defensiveness - “I statements”
Be willing to hear their point of view.
When sharing your perspective this way, it comes across less defensively. It's a great way to be clear and communicate respectfully.
Using an "I statement" encourages the listener to respond rather than feel accused. An "I statement" simply states how you feel. It avoids blame which creates the chance of a better chance of being heard.
Example:
"I feel unappreciated when you don't say ‘thank you’. I need you could tell me you appreciate what I do for our family."
I am going to share this again, because it’s worth repeating: Resentment is driven by imbalance:
If you do what you want to do because you want to do it, you don’t feel resentful.
Resentment comes when this equation falls apart.
Find the source of these emotions, and take the steps towards balance. 🖤
DID YOU KNOW??
If you want more help with healing resentment I have a whole workshop dedicated to unpacking these feelings and finding the tools to heal. Get the 1:1 support you need, mama!
