5 Tips for Healthy Venting
Venting about our feelings isn’t an effort to stay in a negative space. We simply need to say it loud so it no longer holds power.
We’ve all been there. Something happens, whether it’s a text from the ex, the stepkid does something rude, your partner dismisses your role - or all the above. You send a long-ass text to your best friend. You call your mom. Maybe you hop on a Facebook page and let it all out. Venting. Catharsis. It can feel good, right? Actually, more and more research shows that venting isn't all that good for us. In fact, it can perpetuate problems by reinforcing negative responses to situations. And when we enlist friends or coworkers in our rants, it can reinforce our position all the more. You vent, they agree. They share a story in return, it reinforces your story. The result is even more ammunition for getting angry next time you're faced with another catalyst. We vent about everything, we do it often, and we do it everywhere. Why?
People have an innate desire to talk and be heard. After all, we humans have developed and evolved a pretty complex system of communication. And we've become very skilled at venting. But just because we can, doesn't mean we should. In the end, what does it do for us? The venting does not change the situation that made us angry, it won't prevent the situation from happening again in the future, it raises our blood pressure, and it brings negativity to our environment. The rush of venting and ranting can feel intoxicating, when done incorrectly, it's usually just toxic.
A while back, I worked as a phone-based crisis counselor. I worked the night shift so a number of my calls would inevitably be from people who wanted to vent about their bad day. Phone counselors learn quickly that if a caller is permitted to vent for too long, you find yourself headed down a long road with no turning back. The venting can last for an hour and no problems get solved. What the caller then learns is that she can call a crisis line anytime she needs to vent, crisis or not. Counselors learn pretty quick it’s important to set limits on the venting: "Okay, take no more than five minutes to tell me what happened today and when your five minutes are up we'll talk about what's going to help you feel better tonight." It's not that we didn't want to listen to the caller, it's that the caller was ultimately seeking help and our job was to help them find solutions.
If you’ve ever had a 1:1 chat with me, you’ll know I often use this same tactic. Vent girl, let it out. But let’s make time to problem solve and chat about solutions. 😉
The 5 W's of Venting:
1. Wait. When you feel triggered, commit yourself to giving some time for the situation to process. In other words, allow that prefrontal cortex to make sense of it all. Angry at a the ex? You can choose not to act on your initial reaction. First, a minute to just breathe and let the moment pass.
2. Why? Practice not jumping to conclusions. We are very good at labeling situations and condemning people on a moment's notice. But what if we just asked ourselves where these feelings are really coming from? What if we choose not to go down the rabbit hole? There are endless possibilities as to 'why' something just happened and we may not have all the information we need to make an informed reaction. Practice staying in the moment without labeling and judging, i.e. mindfulness
3. Who? Who is this really about? Maybe it’s more about THEM and you don’t need to expel any energy reacting to it. Step back and ask yourself, "Does this need to involve me?" "Is there a solution to this problem and, if so, who is responsible?" Why do we spend so much time getting our feathers ruffled over things we see that don't even involve us?
4. Write. Try an alternative to venting out loud. Rather than rushing off to a coworker or yanking out that phone to gab, grab a pen and jot down some notes or email yourself about what you're angry about. I'm not saying you need to carry around a stepmom venting journal (though that’s not a bad idea), jotting down some thoughts rather than sharing them on the forums will engage your body physically and mentally and allow your brain to drain -to slow down.
5. Witness. If you still need to talk with someone after you've tried the other ideas, ask a trusted friend to witness your venting and set limits. "Can I talk to you for five minutes? And I really mean five!" I often get messages or emails from stepmoms who start by saying, “I’m just here to vent, no need to respond.” This is totally fine. Really, I want to be a safe space for you. But next time you find yourself venting, pay attention to how many times you repeat the same information. Probably a lot. When we're worked up we repeat ourselves for emphasis. Setting limits will force us to keep it brief, sort out our thoughts, and then focus on to a solution.
If the venting doesn't lead to a solution, a lesson learned, or an idea for next time, you might just start to wonder "what's the point?"
Venting can be a healthy, useful tool - if used correctly. How can you be a healthier at venting? Let me know your thoughts, or if you try these tips in the comments.
Be Well & Stay Radical,
